A nod to the Ted Miller. Previously ESPN.
Here we will run our best case/worst case scenario for the 2017 Oregon State Football season. All very real possibilities but extreme in both cases. Enjoy.
@ Colorado State:
Worst: Jake Luton gets messed up like Minnesota in 2016 with Darrell Garretson and we don’t run the ball enough as usual.
We lose 24-20.
Best: We hurt CSU like we hurt Utah 10 years ago and our defense doms and we just pound the crap out of the run game.
We win 20-10.
Worst: PJ rows his damn boat straight through beaver damn and we got out physicaled. Luton gets killed by that same defensive end that killed DG. DG comes in, almost leads comeback but pass batted down by d end on last drive. We lose 28-24.
Best: We get in PJ’s head and he throws his boat oar at us pre game. Their D end gets ejected for hitting Thomas Tyner high. Seth Collins throws punch and also gets ejected. We romper stomp them and Luton catches fire for 5 TD passes. 2 to Quintino Allen in Collins stead.
We win 49-17.
Worst: Luton hurt so leading up we mind eff Leach and don’t announce starter. DG starts. Throws for 400 yards in shootout. We have full on QB controversy. He slings it like he is back at Chandler HS with Markus Wheaton.
We lose in shootout 52-49.
Best: Luton is fire. He pulls out 3 total TDs. 1 Rush, 2 pass. But the real story is Nall. He officially gets on his first Heisman ballot. 5 total TD. One throwing to Seth. 1 67 yard screen and run, 3 rushing. He bulls over a 300lb DT at goal line and then swims into the end zone channeling Civil War 2016. We break Luke Falks leg on a scramble late hit by Bright. Leach accuses Gary of dirty playing. Gary reveals Luke Falk is his long lost son from a one night stand at his JC college. Leach looks like an idiot saying Gary would hurt his own son. Gary and Luke hug at midfield post game.
We win 52-24.
Worst: Coach Pete first play Myles Gaskin poops on us and goes 75 yards on TD run. We can’t contain Browning on read option and he scrambles for 136 yards and 3 TDs. He is put as Heisman front runner. Coach Pete has mercy on us and we pull together in second half.
We lose: 41-27.
Best: Coach Pete first play is triple reverse throwback to Browning. Bright is suspended from killing Falk last game, but Adam Soesman comes out of no where and crushes Browning. He is concussed. Tries to come back but then Soesman kills him again on a high low sack. He crawls off field. However, UW has an all world true frosh QB come in. We struggle to move ball on O. Luton has nerves, we are 4-0 at this point and crack top 25… He throws 3 picks. Two pick 6’s. And one fumble. Eddie Dallas clamors for DG to enter game. DG comes in and gets hurt 6th play. All is not lost. Conor Blount comes in, throws screen pass to Tino first play. He busts it to the house. 17-17 ball game in fourth quarter. We are down to our Bright comes back in after first half suspension. Scoops and scores on a strip sack of the frosh QB. We up 24-17 with 2:18 to go. Coach Pete is not done though. Johnathon Smith has experience with a true frosh QB in these matchups. (Himself) Frosh QB loses shoe, but hyper from last series Bright jumps in air and whiffs. Frosh QB dumps pass to Gaskin, he goes 60 yards for TD. Coach Pete takes timeout with 13 seconds left to consider PAT or 2Pt. Gary is expecting Statue of Liberty. He is right. Elu busts the play up but he is overweight so he can’t make the tackle. But Craig Evans first game of season says hello. Kills Gaskin at 1 yard line. Review of play: Gaskin gets called that he broke plain first. Gary throws headset in disgust and goes Buddy Stephens on ref and knocks him out with one punch. Gary suspended for 2 games. NCAA admits wrong call. Team is fired up.
We lost 25-24.
Worst: We come out with some fire, as if to say we will not be pushed around by the spoiled children. We take a 21-0 lead with 2 scores by the D. Sam Darnold’s proclaimed Heisman run is doused by Kirk Herbstreit at half.
Second half he comes back with vengeance and lights our secondary up. Xavier Crawford out with cramping, Darnold throws 4 TDs and 300 yards second half. We throw the ball 60 times and Con is threading rope through his rafters as he is screaming “run the ball” on 2nd and 25.
We lose: 31-24.
Oh and Hawks get destroyed by Johnny Hekkers 3 TD passes off fake punts, 24-3.
Best: Gary is sitting with Con, Andy, JD and Braught pre game in their AirBnb. He can’t be 150 yards from stadium. He informs them that he has damaging intel on Willie and the boys down south and is going to reveal it 3 days before the civil war and promises he is doing his “routine” background checks on each involved.
Game kicks off, USC is in a funk. Sam Darnold is hurt but playing through. This is fresh meat to the Beaver D who is top 20 statistically. He is out by second quarter after hit after hit.
Luton is back after being benched. Throws for 4 TDs but also 3 picks. Nall gets hurt running out of bounds. Tyner takes over. Runs for 167 yards but fumbles twice. USC capitalizes. Back and forth we go. 35-34, Jordan Chouikar misses 43 yard field goal for win. Adley gets cut from OSU baseball team and vows to return next week at CU. Says Chouikar is poser.
We lose 35-34.
Worst: 1-5, murmurs are starting. Clune looking for way out, calls Kalani. Accepts D coordinator job minutes before kickoff. Gary is furious. Promotes graduate Jake Cookus to DC. Turns out to be promising.
Cookus sends the house every play. Our D backs our coach. Forces 6 turnovers, scores 3 TD’s. We stumble on O but do enough.
We win 27-14 in defensive domination.
Best: Gary is still suspended but we are 4-2 with two wins taken from us. Kevin Clune is acting HC. Reams Kevin McGiven after calling 4 straight pass plays. Takes playcard from him and burns it. Calls Mitch Singler out of press box to call plays. Calls 36 straight runs. And it pays off. Two drives stall but then o line gets warmed up. Nall rumbles for 160, Tyner 106, Arty 80 on 5 carries. 6 TDs between them. We comeback with vengeance. Stephen Montez cries postgame.
We win: 45-21.
Worst: 2-5 but with hope. Makeshift defense. 3rd string QB on offense. Luton transfers mid season to UO. DG salivates as he has been planning this for 2 years but breaks ankle celebrating himself being started. Conor Blount starts the rest of season. Stanford pins us to ground. We have 136 total yards of offense.
We lose 20-0.
Best: Gary is back. After suspension he doesn’t apologize to ref but ref apologizes to him for blowing UW game. Stanford has no chance from beginning. David Shaw respectfully takes 3 knees first series in support of Gary being screwed. Comes back to bight him as Tino houses punt return. We have 5 sacks and two fumble recoveries and a blocked punt. Defense rules the day. Offense, who cares.
We win 31-13.
Worst: Rich Rod gives hell shaking tongue lasting to wildcats about last year at Reser. AZ comes out, pounds us a la 2015. Nall lost for season, Conor Blount struggles. Two o lineman get diagnosed with left testicle cancer minutes after game. Our team is spent, AZ rolls, In and Out burger closes early on bus ride home.
We lose: 49-7
Best: We are consensus top 15 team because everyone knows UW was an inside job on refs. Gary doesn’t speak to media pre week or post game. Luton shines. Adley kicks 6 fgs coming back two weeks after Pat had cut him from baseball. Recovers 2 onside kicks. Rich Rods final straw of his job.
We win 32-20.
Worst: Conor Blount has 3 games under his belt. Word from practice is “he is making us forget about Marcus McMaryion.” Proves it on field. Throws for 3rds, runs for another. Kolby Taylor gets in game and scores 2 TDs and throws pitchfork at Sparky. Suspended for rest of season. Jake Cookus struggles as teams have film on his “Engage 8” defensive style. ASU scores a lot. But fumbles away PAT snap on last TD. We go up 42-41 with minutes to go. They get onside kick though, Their crazy RB runs 49 yards on us but he needed 50. Arnold tracks him down and punches ball out. Touchback. Conor Blount tears ACL taking a knee.
We win 42-41.
Best: we are 8-2. Poised for PAC 12 championship birth. UW is 9-0 though. No thanks to refs. They are playing lowly Cal. Beau Baldwin calls magnificent game, Cal squeaks out win, 35-32. This is pregame. Gary smiles.
Luton has another solid outing, throws 2tds and runs one in. Tyner is benched though to save him for civil war. He agrees. Nall as well. Arty steals the show. Him and Tre Johnson combine for 236 yards, 3 TDs. We run train on ASU on D. Force 3 turnovers, 7 sacks. We reach 30 sacks on season but only 26 turnovers. We need more Gary says postgame. Todd Graham resigns. Gary hints postgame for first media session since week 5, that “a storm is coming.” Gina asks “what’s a storm?” Danny says “I have an interview scheduled. Need to leave and do routine background check on Gary Andersen.” Gina fired for not doing routine background check on John Canzano.
We win 42-22.
Willies dog poop:
Worst: *********** no comment.
We end season 3-9. Tino transfers. Nall declares for NFL, Tyner transfers back to UO for 6th year through some loophole, says “it’s where I belong”
Willie hires Gary as D coordinator. Gina now runs Oregonian with Canzano. They get married. Danny Moran becomes private detective. Pat Casey declines AD job that Scott Barnes leaves at end of season, takes job at LSU. Says “if you can’t beat em, join em.”
Beavers hire Brady Hoke as HC. He brings in Mark Helfirch to run offense. Mitch Singler promoted to recruiting coordinator. All Gary’s assistants fired. Hired by Buddy Stephens after. Brittney Wagner becomes academic counselor at UO and school is praised for its “diversity” and “acceptance.”
Bobby D comes back as AD. Tres retires from basketball. Ethan Thompson never becomes eligible.
Best: 2 days before game day, “anonymous sources” confirm that Willie covered up Marcus Mariota prostitution ring during his recovery in Eugene this summer. Deal was Mariota brings in prostitutes and sets up recruits with them, he gets to train and recover for free at his own sports complex. Offensive coordinator found out about scheme, went on drunken stooper, hence his DUI charge months before. Canzano breaks story. Same “anonymous source” emails background check of Willie. Turns out, at Western Kentucky he was sued for “sealed crimes” but in Kentucky they unsealed them just for fun. He payed refs nation wide to change outcome of games in his gambling favor to fund his future recruiting endeavors. Story goes national. One of the refs payed was head review ref from UW game. Gary pre game media says “What goes around comes around. We run the state btw.” Canzano gets promoted pre game to Lindsey Schnells old position of covering Mike Riley 24/7. Mike Riley says “that’s swell”
Swirling in turmoil the game begins. A crisp day at Autzen, the PNW crew already mind boggling the Autzen fans. Willie somehow allowed to coach in game. Different fortunes than 2016. we throw 60 times for 734 yards and 6 TDs. Nall and Tyner just watch from sideline as they are resting for PAC 12 championship by halftime. It is announced in Autzen that UW got blown out by WSU in Apple cup. Mike Leaches final game. He retires due to Alzheimer’s he has had for 20 years in secret. UW ends season in 3 game losing streak putting us solely in first place in north. We trample UO like a tackling dummy. Con gets bored during game and proclaims “I’m tired of winning”
We win 70-13.
We go to PAC 12 championship, beat USC on reverse fortunes with Adley making game wining 68 yard field goal.
Gary is carried off. We book tickets to Rose Bowl. Play Ohio State in prep for 2018, kick the living daylights out of them. Urban Meyer dies of stroke postgame. All his recruits leave and join the “real OSU.”
Nall comes back for senior year. Says “I’m not finished.” We roll into 2018 with another date with the Buckeyes except they have no coach or recruits. We are poised for a National Championship run in 2018.
Willie stays in as head coach. Is bowl banned for 3 years. Loses 20 scholarships for 3 years. Has recruiting class of 5 players. 4 from Redmond high school. 1 from Churchill. Their o line coach becomes offensive coordinator at UW. Kevin McGiven gets Western Michigan head coaching job. Jonathan Smith comes back to OSU with full on homecoming parade starting at the top of the cock. Becomes our coach in waiting and Offensive Coordinator.
Both scenarios likely. Which will it be?
Happy Eclipse. 5 days.